i haz moved.

2009

2008-12-31T17:38:00.001-08:00

i am so ready for you.

:-]]]

Everything is wonderful, now.

2008-12-10T12:10:00.000-08:00

Everything is beautiful

and this sunshine is doing wonders for my heart

and suddenly I have no fears

because everything is wonderful.

And everything will be just fine.

thank You.

2008-10-10T13:33:00.000-07:00

I wonder why we get nervous when we see open doors.

Are they not what we spend most of our time searching for?

How very 13th century of me.

2008-09-10T12:09:00.000-07:00

I am relatively positive I am entering my third day of being inflicted by the Plague.

All I want to do is curl into a ball under my blankets and die.

2008-09-06T03:10:00.000-07:00

soulful days and

starry nights,

we're learning to dream

and dreaming to fight.

it's in those quiet moments,

the ones i just can't shake

when my mind starts to wander

and my heart begins to quake.

i don't often challenge

the past, anymore

yet in that noteless solitude

each tear runs hot and

every memory, cold.

i've got a heart full of doubts

that i've learned not to trust.

i've got a head full of questions

that i'd rather forget.

and in the silence i wonder if you ever think of me. if you ever stop and remember the heart i gave to you; the way it danced once with yours. and after you put it on a shelf and out of sight, if its value ever crossed your mind. from time to time i question if you ever felt a hint of loss- i have my doubts that say you haven't, but i guess i'll never know. in that occasional silence, my stomach twists and turns, and i am haunted by the ghost of a trusting spirit and an eagerness to love. and when my eyes close to the noise of nothing, all i see is where i stood, and where i should.

2008-09-03T08:26:00.000-07:00

off to my first class....

i hope it's everything i've expected it to be. and more.

oddly enough, i am actually awake. although the gigantic pot of coffee my roommate and i just made might have helped.

where to begin?

2008-09-01T22:30:00.000-07:00

i'm moved in. nights are late, mornings are early.

life in the valley is fantastic.

tonight that's all the time i have to update.

college life is amazzzzzzzzing.

Sitting amidst a pile of boxes and suitcases.

2008-08-30T00:14:00.000-07:00

So basically, as the sun rises, I'll be moving out.

I couldn't explain what I'm feeling even if I tried.

I miss the old, but I'm ready for the new. Kind of. I guess.

2008-08-28T01:32:00.000-07:00

It's times like these when I realize

that I haven't learned a thing.

Down with the ship.

2008-08-27T11:29:00.000-07:00

Out of everyone that's leaving, you are one of the hardest to say goodbye to. I don't know what I'll do without you here.

On my way home last night, I passed my exit so I could come tell you the news. It didn't take long for me to remember and turn my car around.

I met you this summer, and not a moment too soon. You're my twin and I know we've made a life long friendship we can both count on. Never stop finding spiders.

You've made this summer so amazing. I know everything will change in a few days, but I am incredibly glad we've gotten to spend so much time together. You've been good to me and I thank you for that.

I have this gut feeling about you...

i'm still in denial about this whole being an adult, moving out, facing everything thing.

2008-08-25T07:11:00.000-07:00

college shopping is 80% done by now. which, considering how far i've taken procrastination this time, is pretty good.

still need to get my coffee maker and a few other things. moving out on saturday morning, early early early. i'm sure i'll wind up making another round once i've moved in and my roommate and i figure space issues out.

i'm going camera shopping today, so that should cheer me up.

Can I tell you the truth?

2008-08-19T18:26:00.001-07:00

I'm doing really great right now.... the best I've been in a long, long time.

But I still get that gut-wrenching heart ache whenever I remember how happy we once were.

Photographs are the worst best proof.

Melancholy post to match a melancholy mood.

Pictures from birthday weekend are still being uploaded, but they'll be here.

i guess it's my

2008-08-15T06:00:00.001-07:00

last day as a kid.

a lot of :-], but a little :-( too.

So, uh, yeah....

2008-08-13T18:34:00.000-07:00

First off, I don't think I'll need to be worried about finding money for text books anymore.

Secondly, I turn 18 in a matter of days. I'm soooo jazzed to celebrate with everybody.

Thirdly, work is crazy. Learning the secret menu, however, is entirely priceless.

Things are looking good right now. I miss everyone terribly, but we've all got to get used to this college thing sometime.

Sometimes I think I'm the only cab on the road.

2008-08-09T08:57:00.000-07:00

if it was supposedly the right decision,

why does it already feel so wrong?

changing of the times.

2008-08-07T20:34:00.000-07:00

For the first time in my life, I made a relationship decision, not because of what I wanted, believe me, but because of what I know I need. The amount of time I've spent crying today alone was reason enough to believe that I made the right choice. The past month has been amazing, such a beautiful blur, and it's killing me inside to take a step back. Letting go of something so new is proving more heart ache than it ought to. But after running into who I did last night out of the blue, my mind knows it needs to stage an intervention and overrule my heart.

I've been living in the moment and ignoring consequences long enough. Summer only lasts so long.

So this is my first step back in the right direction.

And it sucks.

still in denial. summer will last forever. it has to.

2008-08-06T00:26:00.000-07:00

I just got my schedule for fall semester... finally.

It's a bittersweet. I'm really excited for one of my classes because I know it will be a great experience...but I'm going to be ridiculously busy. Time to go back to 2 hours of sleep a night and cup after cup of green tea to stay alive and awake.

Now I'm anxious waiting on my living arrangement notification. I sooooooo want to know who my roommate(s) are..... oh goodness.

That's about it for now. Lots to report, too tired to bother.

it'll all get better in time.

2008-08-05T15:16:00.000-07:00

i'm gonna smile 'cause i deserve to.

broke, broken, breaking.

2008-08-04T18:44:00.000-07:00

The heart is such a fragile thing. Given so freely and so vulnerably, and yet so confidently. We put all our trust in ideas of forever and claim that even if it isn't, we'll be happy for the time we had. When we fall in love, we have a habit of letting go entirely, floating on promises and hopes and growth together. We build each other up, and we paint pictures in our heads. Love, for all it's worth, is entirely lovely. But love in it's entirety includes the cold and brokenness. Love mourns when the other's heart is lost. Love bends and breaks and reaches out for anything to keep itself afloat. Love hopes and perseveres, and not one single second is ever a regret when our time together ends. Perhaps the hardest part of the breaking of a heart, is learning how to channel the love. A true love is something that will never die. It is a love for another that will survive all, even if it can never be acted upon or allowed to be shown to the other. It flickers in the heart, and as others come and go, it will always be there. And how impossible is the knowledge of your love for someone, and knowing that you have to let them go; that out of love, you must give up your fight and quietly sit aside and tuck that love away? It is so incredibly wearing to not have a way to show that love anymore. And so, with heartbreak, comes the phrase "It just doesn't make sense". Which, if you think about, makes perfect sense. We never know. We don't know how to handle it. We don't understand how one falls out of love, when we are reveling in it. With heartbreak, we learn the feeling of numbness. Once the tears are gone and the nausea has been assuaged, out of confusion and weary exhaustion, we simply tap out for a while. We hurt upon awakening, and do until our eyes finally close during many sleepless nights. We stop caring, and start ignoring the feeling of pain. Often because our hearts just can't take it anymore, but more directly because we just need to not feel for a while. We learn to live life on the edge, and spend some time not considering consequences. We make mistakes, correct them, and in the long run, are thankful for the life lessons. And sooner or later, out of feeling nothing, we start to feel something... peace. We realize that others will come and go in our lives too; that the places they're put and the roles they play will change too. We find out that even from a still broken heart, new buds can grow in undamaged places we didn't know we had left. We learn that nothing fixes and nothing mends, but in time we start smiling again. We still hurt and nurse wounds, but we can put them aside and truly be happy again.

And it is with that, I tell you I love you and that I wish you didn't have to break like this. You are one of my best friends and if I could take this away from you, I would. I know your world is falling apart and that you'd rather die than see things turn out this way. But know that I will always be here for you, and that come rain or shine, God will give you the love that no person could ever act upon. He will show you a love so true and unfading, you will never have to let go of it.

Eventful day.

2008-08-03T03:18:00.000-07:00

Just got home, and so very exhausted.

Woke up early. Survived another day of work.

Went to dinner with everyone... the last time we'll all be together for at least a few years. Said a heartwrenching goodbye with a hug I wished never had to end. Cried. A lot.

Went to a best friend's birthday celebration. Chaos and craziness. Laughter and pie.

And a little something to leave me smiling for a while.

More news than I could cover in a blogpost at 3 a.m.

Hope you're all doing well.

And blame it on a rush of blood to the head.

2008-08-01T19:48:00.000-07:00

I think I'm starting to get to the bottom of my problem...

Presently, I have nothing in my life worth fighting for.

And as a result, I have become starved for entertainment. Somehow my head tells me that if I simply found something, anything, to care about at all, my heart would be so much more content with having something to be excited about.

I am apathetically apathetic.

x & y

2008-07-30T12:36:00.000-07:00

Trying hard to speak and
Fighting with my weak hand
Driven to distraction
So part of the plan
When something is broken
And you try to fix it
Trying to repair it
Any way you can
I dive in at the deep end
You become my best friend
I wanna love you
But I don't know if I can
I know something is broken
And I'm trying to fix it
Trying to repair it
Any way I can

complaint.

2008-07-28T16:40:00.000-07:00

I really don't want to go to work in 19 minutes....

Blah.

eighteen is soon.

2008-07-27T11:25:00.001-07:00

I am filled with such clashing emotions.

For the first time in my life, everything has changed at once. There are no fall backs, there are no pieces of my life before a few months ago that I still carry with me. I'm adapting to the fact and learning that it's a beautiful thing in itself. Nothing is holding me back and nothing is swaying my opinions. I simply haven't figured out what I actually care about enough to keep as a semi-permanent change.

I don't want to be 18 next month.

But since the earth is still being pulled around on its axis, I am supposing it's unavoidable.

It's all the little things

2008-07-25T20:07:00.000-07:00

I had the most productive day, and I feel so good.

An entire to-do list finished, as well as a car that now sparkles inside and out. 2 friendships mended. Found a movie I lost a few months ago.

My head is showing signs of doing a lot better... I can't express my relief.

I've got 35 days until I move.

Tomorrow is a best friend's 18th birthday.

I finally got a new phone to replace the one that tragically died.

I've got a new song stuck in my head.

And now, I have a date with a burrito & a long lost friend.

:-]

of being lost & found

2008-07-24T00:55:00.000-07:00

this morning i wrote that i felt lost between the lines.

i'll never be able to say how much it made me smile when i showed up,

and you had drawn a picture of a stick figure version of me, standing in between two lines and just said,

"i found you".

2008-07-23T10:15:00.000-07:00

i know you didn't bring me out here to drown

so why am i ten feet under and upside down?

i'd do anything to be tired these days

2008-07-22T00:29:00.000-07:00

i want to sleep...

and get to tomorrow

because this is all so much easier when the sun is out.

if i had one wish

2008-07-20T20:17:00.001-07:00

i'd make this summer last forever.

dear all of you, i'm going to put it in quotations.

2008-07-20T01:15:00.000-07:00

You brought me back to the surface.

I love you in ways I'll never be capable of explaining.

In all the time I've known you, I've never known you like this. You are making my summer so absolutely unbelievable. I owe so much of my happiness to you at present. I'm glad we can call that song our own.

I've known you 17 "years" now, as amusing as it sounds. Thank you for smiles, hugs, and redvines at 2 in the morning. Thank you for being a confidant and thank you for trusting me enough to be one for you. You've been so sweet and good to me every single day we've been friends.

I think you're being ridiculous. Stop acting like you know what's on my heart and mind. Thank you for causing drama and spreading rumors to everyone and their mom. No truly, thank you for stabbing me in the back out of jealousy. I was getting too much sleep at night anyway. I hope someday you realize how childish and completely cruel your behavior is.

If it weren't for you, I don't know that I'd be able to laugh these days.

I miss you terribly. You are one of the few people I would rewind all of high school for. Take that mind of yours and do amazing things. I know I will see your face again.

I wish you had one single concern for me or my life. You are succeeding in making it obvious that you do not desire one ounce of knowledge of what's going on day to day, or even month to month. The sad thing is, it's beginning to stop surprising me.

You both have been twin pillars in my life. Without you, I know I would crumble. Thank you for your support and for believing in me. And thank you for insisting that I start writing again.

I am so proud of you. I cannot wait for you to come home in August.

If the world was colorblind.

2008-07-19T11:42:00.000-07:00

I think there's something about being a redhead that just makes things happen.

Ever since I've dyed my hair, everything as been going good.

It's like magic. It's like a VIP pass to good luck in life.

2008-07-18T19:21:00.000-07:00

i don't know that i ever realized how hard it would be to turn down something i wanted as much as this.

i guess time will tell what will come of everything.

i can't sleep. i can't speak to you.

2008-07-17T03:52:00.000-07:00

i was doing fine until you started to cry. i was holding myself together.

i had it all under control until i heard your voice crack.

just say you'll wait, you'll wait

for me.

my head has never hurt like this before.

2008-07-17T00:13:00.000-07:00

this entire, from start to finish,

has been entirely EPIC.

work was amazing, i fell in love. more tomorrow... there'll be plenty of time to hate it later.

concert from 2 p.m. until 10 p.m. & i spent it with 3 of the most amazing guys.

so much metal i'm not sure if i will ever regain my hearing. some of the most incredible mad guitar skills i have ever seen in my life. oh, and let's not forget the freaking drummer who was playing keyboard, while still freaking drumming...

i will never do it again. but oh my goodness, i don't know if i've had that much fun in an entire year.

suuuuuch a good day.

even the tiniest update.

2008-07-16T00:08:00.000-07:00

Today was good. Amazing movie and delightful Mexican food with nice company... always a plus in my eyes.

I start my new job in a little less than 10 hours. I should probably be going to sleep, but seeing as I haven't gone to bed before 6 a.m. any day in the past week and a half, it's proving impossible. I'm a bit nervous, but I'll only be training for a few hours so I'm sure I will manage to survive. Plus, I have such great incentive to survive..... Disturbed concert with Thomas, Jason and Johnny!!! Front row. Absolute madness. Still not sure about getting on my inner death rocker, but it'll be fun.

In all other news, not much has progressed since "The Situation" on Saturday night/Sunday morning. I'm still confused and still wishing there was a way to handle things in which no one got hurt. The best way I can think of to handle it at present is to go day by day. Currently, the hardest part is dealing with everyone who thinks this thing is any of their business whatsoever. I don't owe anyone an explanation except for the two who already know what's going on. And I certainly don't need to defend myself to anyone either. The three of us will figure it out...it's no one's business but our own.

There's a ton more, but like I said before, I need to figure out how to get some sleep so I can get through tomorrow. I hope you're all doing well. I'm still trying to ween myself off of Blogger and move entirely to WordPress, so my posts may dwindle every now and then until I officially make the move.

2008-07-12T10:58:00.001-07:00

thank You for breaking me.

thank You for shaking me.

even if i'd rather You didn't,

i know this is part of a new foundation.

Inconveniences and such.

2008-07-11T13:09:00.000-07:00

So this morning was epic, in all senses of the word. Apparently there is no longer a Peruvian consulate downtown, however, which throws a hitch in some plans.

And yes, it really is a reasonable need to locate such a place. Though there is one 3 hours north of here, so I suppose that will have to do.

I cannot even begin to explain myself right now.

Life is changing fast

and oh so good.

Two of the sweetest people ever...

2008-07-11T03:32:00.000-07:00

just came over and made hot chocolate with me at 3 a.m.

it may be one of the best remedies for a horrible day on record.

I'm still overdue for a big update... but it's coming.

a little thing called life

2008-07-09T00:45:00.000-07:00

well,

i guess that throws an interesting curveball

into this whole great

mess.

just because i'm losing, doesn't mean i'm lost.

2008-07-08T02:18:00.000-07:00

finally getting home after an exhausting day feels so good. such a bittersweet day it was in general.

doctors and hospitals are the worst. remind me next time that i don't deal well with needles. oh, and having to be back within 24 hours, and then another 48-72 hours after that really, really sucks.

but i got coffee, pancakes, and to enjoy a crazy night with thomas, jason, and chris. and it totally made up for the whole, being stabbed repeatedly with sharp things experience. they take good care of me. ihop and ridiculous movies are always good for cheering oneself up when life as you know it is in a whirlwind and soon to be gone. i've been meaning to do a huge update, because there's so much that is new, but tonight yet again, won't be that night. as much as the hour to two hours of sleep a night i've been getting are terrific, i would like to get some more before i meet the boys for breakfast in a few hours.

*sigh*

there is no sleep included in these amazing summer days & nights.

We're in the process of our best all-nighter yet.

2008-07-06T05:55:00.000-07:00

Last night and this morning have been amazing, in all definitions of the word. We party it up right. And hilariously, none of my neighbors have come over to ask why there have been a dozen cars in my driveway for 12 hours now.

And now we're off to make a few boxes of macaroni & cheese, watch yet another movie, & head off for another adventurous day.

Quite frankly, we find sleep completely unnecessary.

4th of July madness

2008-07-05T02:56:00.000-07:00

tonight was a million hilarious stories put together. too many stories to tell, and i've got to get some sleep for tomorrow's festivities! completely magical evening though. (the first two are my favorite firework pictures from this year...)

Exhausted, but updating...

2008-07-03T23:33:00.000-07:00

This week has been chaos already, haha. I am entirely worn out. I spent all, and I do mean all, of Tuesday babysitting my beautiful cousin Dylan who is nothing but a handful. Cute, but a 9 month old crawling nightmare sometimes. I absolutely adore him.

And as yesterday was my mom's birthday, we spent about 14 hours of our day celebrating at the fair. Just eating junk food and being stupid. It was nice since she left today and won't be back home for a while. And when she got sick of running around, I ran off for a while with the dozens of kids from my high school that all strangely showed up on the same exact day. It was nice to see them again.

As for today, it was such a blur I can hardly remember it myself. But it involved California burritos and sitting outside of Yogurt Mill for about 5 hours laughing hysterically and falling in love with a brand new flavor, so it's all good. A friend and I are watching movies all night long since there's no one here to tell us not to, so I'll update more later.

I am so, so exhausted though. There have been about 10 too many awkward moments this week, on top of the every day summer on-the-go lifestyle. I've just been trying to make the most of things until my training starts for my new job. Hopefully it will be soon though, because as anyone could guess, I am ridiculously broke. My apologies for a lack of creative language or lack of saying anything interesting really, but I'm running on 2 hours of sleep from last night and a stomach full of Mexican food and frozen yogurt.

More tomorrow.

2008-07-01T15:35:00.000-07:00

as much as i shouldn't want this,

i do.

as much as my head says no,

my heart despondently says yes.

it hurts to want everything

& yet nothing

at the same time.

and so is life,

we must learn to fight

or let it go.

because we can't have it both ways.

and in the meantime,

i will not change my course

i will smile

& i won't regret a thing.

someday, this summer is going to make an incredible story.

in fact, i think it already has.

2008-06-29T03:27:00.000-07:00

you were so young & so beautiful.

it just doesn't seem right for it to have been your time.

i love you & you will be forever missed by us all.

2008-06-28T11:49:00.000-07:00

drive in last night. i adore all these new people in my life... they are crazy and spontaneous and everything i could ask for in people to spend the summer with. come september they will all be gone and that's okay. i think that's exactly how it's supposed to be. but somewhere in between all the chaos and all the new experiences, i can't help but stay awake at night wishing i had anyone to call a true and forever friend anymore. it's so hard knowing how much you want to call someone, and not being able to because you don't know what to say... you just want to hear their voice first and know that they're still there.

my life is so broken right now and i'm making the worst decisions.

and the only thing i want anymore is my best friend back. to know that he's okay, and for him to know that i'm not. i'm not okay and i'm struggling and i'm dying inside without his friendship there.

i can fill up every day with things to do, i can fill my inbox and outbox with text messages to people, and i can spend every waking moment in search of distractions and make sure that i never have to be by myself. but at the end of each and every day, my heart still knows that he's not there. i lie awake almost every night just wanting him in my life more than the nothing there is now.

i just want to talk.

without him there, nothing feels quite right.

being complete strangers is killing me

i wish he knew.

entirely separate and unrelated.

2008-06-25T15:54:00.000-07:00

& on occasion it's as if living in a shadow,

knowing i'm not

good enough

for the only things

i want to be considered

good enough

for.

i want you to be happy

have a life like you never dreamed.

i just wish happy,

didn't include forgetting your

best friend.

come what may,

i will love you until my dying day.

i will take our memories,

bind them up with string

hide them away

so i won't forget a thing.

2008-06-24T22:56:00.000-07:00

getting home to find this on the internet made up for the fact that the Padres lost the game tonight. it was crazy fun though.

:-]

2008-06-24T02:30:00.000-07:00

some things are better

unexplained.

2008-06-21T22:38:00.001-07:00

-still in process of moving to wordpress-

like i said, message me for the address.

:-]

I wish I still had faith in childish wishes.

2008-06-20T20:55:00.000-07:00

I will take your childhood dreams
And turn them into to beautiful film
I will take your most important things
Cast them gold fill a mueseum

So your heart doesn't know where mine's been
I'll never let your heart go where mine's been

I will kiss away every tear
They'll disappear in my mouth
And I will believe in all your fears
You let them in, I'll let them out
And put them in their place, my love

So your heart doesn't know where mine's been
I'll never let your heart go where mine's been

I'll never let your heart go where mine's been

An awkward sort of peace.

2008-06-19T09:17:00.000-07:00

Two days of 80's movies can really work wonders on the soul.

In any event, summer has grown chaotic and insane, in a really good way. I am so, so thankful for that because I haven't had much time to think or reminisce about anything. And the less I think about the reality of the present, the less I have to deal with emotionally. I'm not in denial, I'm just on hiatus... as we often must be in life. I am dreading when these next few weeks pass because everything will slow down again. Meaning the hiatus will end and I will once again be faced with acknowledging the truth. Once I move the chances to spend all day and night enjoying life with friends will have diminished significantly. That depresses me quite a bit. Anyway, there are a ton of updates, both insanely good and insanely bad, but I don't really feel like typing out the whole schpeel, so for now, that's that.

Oh yeah, and I'm switching to WordPress soon, so message me for the address.

i hate to say "wait" again, but...

2008-06-18T00:31:00.001-07:00

it did get better.

i don't know what to do with myself at the moment.

oh yeah, and did i mention...

2008-06-17T17:07:00.000-07:00

our two day 80's movie marathon starts tonight.

i absolutely cannot wait until 7 o'clock.

seriously, i don't think today could get any better.

:-]

for the first time in my life,

2008-06-17T10:49:00.001-07:00

i won a radio contest.

:-]

i'm so rad,

i basically win at life today.

the Viva La Vida album got released early on iTunes. in other words, until i get sick of these songs, i am in heaven.

2008-06-16T23:11:00.000-07:00

Lovers, keep on the road you're on

Runners, until the race is run

Soldiers, you've got to soldier on

Sometimes even right is wrong

They are turning my head out

To see what I'm all about

Keeping my head down

To see what it feels like now

But I have no doubt

One day, we are gonna get out

Tonight maybe we're gonna run

Dreaming of the Osaka sun

Ohh ohh...

Dreaming of when the morning comes

They are turning my head out

To see what I'm all about

Keeping my head down

To see what it feels like now

But I have no doubt

One day the sun will come out

viva la vida.

2008-06-15T03:37:00.000-07:00

first time i've been on the computer in a few days.

it feels good to be so busy i don't even want to open up my macbook.

So basically, I just walked in the door, and I'm figuring that seeing as I have a million things to do and must awaken by 6 a.m., I should probably just stay up. So here's me, passing a little time and answering the call of the blogger.

Apparently it's Father's Day... that's what I'm told. This year isn't much different in the sense that I still don't have the dad I lost 8 and a half years ago. And I mean, it's not like the day makes me break out into hysterics every time I see a dad on a commercial or hugging their kid. But every year this whole entire day just makes my heart sink a bit. In every way, I have done well for myself- because my mother taught me to. My mother is a great deal deserving of a "Happy Father's Day" herself for all the double shifts she's had to pull as a parent throughout the years. Putting up with me could've in no way been easy, trust me. But every year the loss of a father tugs at my heart a little more. All the opportunities I don't get to experience. All the moments I needed and will need a dad and not a mom.

I guess it really hit me when we were all driving out to the middle of nowhere and a friend mentioned a certain chapel at my school during our sophomore year. It is one of the few I remember every single word of, and oddly enough, I didn't even know I remembered it until tonight. I can remember sitting there, in a row of girls, with the speaker hovering over me, as if he knew everything about me, talking about the effects not having a dad can have on an individual, especially a girl. When he said that they have a harder time emotionally, I laughed. When he said they were more likely to be less protective of themselves, I shook my head. When he said that they were more likely to compromise themselves for the attention of a man near to them because they needed it, I rolled my eyes. And then tonight, I thought over everything I had so abruptly laughed at. Everything I passed off. And in no way am I excusing the things I've done because of my dad's suicide, but they were all true. Everything and more. I don't know if I've ever been more ashamed. I could care less about making a father proud that abandoned my mother and I years ago.... But it hit me so hard that after losing a father, a protective figure in my life, I did not bother to do more to guard my heart and myself from a few things. I know my dad would have been proud of me had he been alive today, but he would've shaken some sense into me a few too many times to count. So in that respect, I guess I miss my father more than ever this year. Maybe not my father, but just.... having a father, a dad. I was so certain that the chapel speaker was wrong, mistaken, using ridiculous stereotypes. Ironically 2 years later, I found that everything he said was a chance of happening, did, and now I'm stuck on mistakes.

I really do not want to dwell on things today, in fact I'm trying so hard not to cry and just mope around because it really can't do anything. Luckily, I am blessed enough to have a grandfather who has been not only that, but a father and best friend to me as well. He is the only person left in this world that I trust completely and entirely and in my heart I know that for the rest of his life he will never let me or my family down. He was and is everything a father and guardian ought to be to his children and it is something that never fails to be seen by his grandchildren. If I get married, I know I will settle for nothing less than a man who can be as dedicated and protective as my grandpa.

In all seriousness though, I know that I am not alone in not having a father figure in my life. I am one of many. I don't want a pity party, my dad is gone and it is what it is. I have his eyes, his running obsession, his freckles, his depression, & and his love of fast cars and photography. I don't have him, but I have a lot left. I guess at times, I just want someone to hold me tight and wait through Father's Day with me until it fades into another day. Sometimes I just want someone to remember that it's hard to smile and deal, someone to check in on me, to wrap me in their arms and tell me that I turned out pretty damn good anyway.

In my life, there is nothing I would change. It's extremely hard to say because I have suffered a few losses that have had a tremendous effect on my heart, but in all honesty, I can do nothing, I can change nothing. All I am able to do is pick up and keep trying. I'm learning that that's life. Forget the dream life we all had as children.... I will be an adult in 2 months and 1 day. It's high time I accept that nothing goes the way we picture it. God uses pain and loss to teach us and mold us into who we are supposed to be. It makes the lessons hard, but for a stubborn heart like myself, I suppose that's truly the only way to get through to me.

Three times, my heart's been broken and today is a reminder of the first. I'm beginning to think I have abandonment issues.

[two more days until that beautiful album comes out. i guess that's one thing to look forward to.]

2008-06-09T22:09:00.000-07:00

my life is a little

time lapsed

lately

2008-06-07T23:25:00.000-07:00

i can't believe it. i just can't.

i don't want to sleep. i don't want to think.

it just isn't real. someone tell me it isn't.

hungry, i come to You

2008-06-03T21:16:00.000-07:00

for i know you satisfy

i am empty but i know

your love does not run dry

i am broken,

but i know your touch

restores my life.

so,

i wait

for You.

The storm is coming but I don't mind.

People are dying, I close my blinds.

All that i know is I'm breathing now.

I want to change the world...instead I sleep.

I want to believe in more than you and me.

But all that I know is I'm breathing.

All i can do is keep breathing.

All we can do is keep breathing now.

Releasing graduates on the streets

2008-06-01T21:04:00.000-07:00

One by one, everyone and their mom is declaring independence from high school. It's a season of such joy, such nostalgia, and such confusion. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

As for post-graduation updates of my own I only have a few. I've been out of high school for 9 days and three minutes now and have successfully managed to waste most of that time in incredible ways. My friends and I have slept in obnoxiously, stayed up all night driving from 7-11 to the local pizza joint stuffing our faces, gone to the beach 8 days out of 7, gotten sunburnt and hennas, and had some of the most memorable conversations of my life. I have dyed my hair, gotten contacts (and finally stopped running into things- go depth perception!), and have lost the lazy curse I was once under. I now do things because I feel like them, not because I have to. Oh, and in all seriousness, I quit my job (and am keeping the uniform, you know I am!). But that's a yay, because I'm moving on to bigger and better things... one can only hope.

Tomorrow I get to spend way too much money to take my car in and get it repaired and such (errrrr, no good....). And along those lines, tell me why I made a car appointment for 7 in the morning??? And after those festivities are finished, I will embark on the epic job search, part II. I'm actually quite excited because I finally have references and there are some fabulous places to be employed for little to no money these days. I guess personalities and funky hair pay off for some jobs. Making sandwiches is apparently a non-personality business. Glad that's over.

In any other news, I'm not happy, but I'm the closest I've been in months. Everything is falling apart, but I guess that's what it is supposed to do, so I'm trying to take advantage of learning along the way. Happy or not, good days or not, sadness or not, nostalgia or not, my heart is so full of joy. I will be happy again, I know. Whatever happens, or doesn't, I know I will be. I'm feeling a bit ashamed because I haven't had a rant post like this about things that no one really cares about in a while. But I'm hopped up on pizza and frozen yogurt w/ boysenberries, so you'll have to forgive me. It's been the first time I've actually wanted to update anyone on anything in my life for about 8 months.

Oh and more news, my camera is attached to me again. I feel like a part of me is fixed, even if everything else has died. It's nice to have one aspect of my life that feels normal again. I haven't wanted to pick it up and go in search of adventure for so long, but the passion finally reappeared again. So I wasted all the money I had left on gas and went on an adventure all by myself (I know, Lauren loose in the big world without someone watching her...) and the results were amazing. A little funny, a little tragic, a little perfect. The bomb pictures are on a film camera, so I'm a little sad I can't post them.

(p.s.- I have $30 in my, "Lauren wants a dark room when she buys her first house" fund!)

Happy June everyone!

step # 78: an awkward new hairstyle

2008-05-30T12:57:00.000-07:00

i remember your mouth,

what it said, how it kissed me

and how it whispered i'm

not like anyone else.

i remember your eyes,

how they shined, how they danced

when you looked

back into mine.

and i remember your feet

i saw them dance to the new beat

and when i asked you to,

they walked a mile in my shoes.

another step checked off the list. quite necessary in a sense. a bottle of hair dye fixes nothing, you're right, but neither does a pint of rocky road ice cream or another box of kleenex. i'm beginning to learn that nothing fixes... but the steps are rather crucial in and of themselves. the steps collectively become the process of getting better, so there will be a time when i can say "yeah, i'm okay" and mean it.

i wish you would remember

that i would still walk ten thousand

in yours.

a summer without walls.

2008-05-27T18:24:00.000-07:00

Don't let your mind get weary and confused

Your will be still, don't try

Don't let your heart get heavy child

Inside you there's a strength that lies

Don't let your soul get lonely child

It's only time, it will go by

Don't look for love in faces, places

It's in you, that's where you'll find kindness

Be here now, here now

Don't lose your faith in me

And I will try not to lose faith in you

Don't put your trust in walls

'Cause walls will only crush you when they fall

Be here now, here now

Just tilt the sun

2008-05-26T20:43:00.000-07:00

Senior trip was incredible... Absolutely incredible. I've never had so much fun with my class in all of 4 years together. Some of the most beautiful people have walked into my life freshman year, graced me with their presence, and I've never been more sad to see such a group of people go their separate ways as I am now. Disneyland & Medieval Times adventures were so, so needed. I am so depressed in terms of knowing that things will never be high school again. College will be amazing... I know I will have fun... I know I will accomplish things... But God, I will miss these faces. I will miss being a kid beside so many ridiculously amazing people.

And Friday evening, I put on a white dress (go private schooling), did my hair, and I received a high school diploma. I said a final goodbye to that campus... The rules... The bells... The teachers turned from authoritative figures to friends. The friends turned from peers to fellow alumni. And laughter and memories became nostalgia.

Oh, and props to whoever started that beach ball.

The Class of '08. We are truly, and positively, great.

The rest of graduation evening I spent partying it up with the people who got me through high school. I would be nowhere without each and every one of those faces. A mother who has sacrificed her world for me. Two grandparents who have been pillars in my life, keeping me standing. A best friend and family who have been my own sister and family for 10 years now. A family friend, youth pastor, and basically a brother who I admire more than anyone. An older sister (who at times acts like a younger one), a mentor, a likewise caffeine-addicted, animal-obsessed, insanely beautiful and inspirational best friend (Yes, she is the where Crocodile Hunter meets a pot of coffee and an explosion of glitter and feathers). An aunt who has supported and believed in me. 3 girls who have been there for me when life threw it's worst curve balls at me, who have listened, who have cried, who have prayed, who have called, who have never judged me even when I revealed my worst attributes and past. And lastly, the best friend I've ever had, once called a boyfriend, but will always be called a true love of mine; the love of my life, the one I've shared the most precious memories I have with. I would not be alive, I would not be anywhere if it weren't for them.

High school ended in an evening. A celebration. Life changed direction. The last familiar thing left fell away. And so it was... and so it is.

2008-05-22T23:22:00.000-07:00

I graduate from high school tomorrow.

Last night on our senior trip, we sat in a circle as an entire class and spent hours and hours in one of the most incredible heart-to-hearts I have ever experienced. As I watched all my friends and acquaintances of 4 years come together and talk and laugh and cry and share, my heart was filled with such tremendous joy and sadness at where we've been and where we're going. After tomorrow night, our paths will fork off in different directions. It's something that's never been unexpected, but throughout high school it doesn't really hit you how much it will hurt to watch your entire world for 4 years disappear. I guess the thing that really threw me last night was having the person I admire most in our entire senior class look me in the eye and say that I was the one they admired. It hit me so hard to see someone so entangled in God, so real, so open, so willing to serve, with such a beautiful heart, say that they looked up to me. I guess some things we'll just never understand.

All in all, I am so thankful for my class. I know for certain that without the many people who have held me up throughout the last 7 months I would not be alive right now. In all honesty, though we have all let each other down, we have been each other's backbone. I don't know how I will stand there tomorrow and watch those diplomas be received, tickets to new places and new people, and not fall apart. Life will never be the same.

This season is proving to be an end to so many things. The slate is being wiped not only of high school, but of everything else I've ever valued and been familiar with in my life. I know that I have everything I need to take this clean slate and begin a beautiful new era of my life, but that knowledge does not stop the heart-wrenching effects of watching things and people slip away.

"Let your life beat in rhythm with time and conquer it."

2008-05-20T02:17:00.000-07:00

"Don't let time dictate your life. Instead let your time be dictated by the way you live your life."

I hope so much that when I look back on my life and my youth, I can say that I let my life lead my time and not the other way around. I hope so much that I can look back on every moment and not be able to say I wasted a single second.

The senior trip is today. I know I should get some rest, but I'm too busy packing and dealing with other emotions. The strange thing about packing for me is that I always secretly hope that I'll never come back. That I'll finally be able to travel the world and that each little trip will take me somewhere better. I hope someday I am not limited by location.

So many things can become limitations. Time, location, pain, etc. I think it's an important part of life to fight all those things. They have their specific place and purpose, each and every one of them, but we live lives filled with enough obligations and limitations.

2008-05-19T14:50:00.000-07:00

I think it's worse today than it's ever been.

And I have no one to run to. No one to take care of me. No one to even give a damn either way.

I just want to be missed. I just don't want to be the only one this is breaking.

How can someone be so crazy about you for so long and then just be happy it's over?

How can two people go through so much together, grow so much together, and then only one of them ends up being sad about it?

There are still so many unanswered questions. Probably even more now than there were before. And now it just hurts even more. And what's the point in begging for answers that no one will answer anyway?

I don't know what to do. I don't know how someone can say they love you and then abandon you.

I'm so tired of being abandoned.

I'm so tired of crying until I make myself sick.

I'm so tired of hurting more each day than I did the previous.

untitled, & keeping it that way.

2008-05-16T19:48:00.001-07:00

Well, I made it for half of the day. Didn't even remember when I woke up this morning. Didn't think I could get that far without even thinking about it. Probably helped that I've been out with friends since the crack of dawn.

But then of course, in the midst of an air hockey game, I heard someone say today's date and my heart sank. The first "would have been". The first time I can't say happy anniversary and tell him how much he means to me. The first time I get the privilege of watching a 16th pass and feeling absolutely and completely meaningless to the one and only person I want to mean something to. A year and eleven months meant something to me. The memories meant something to me.

I think I hurt more tonight than I have everyday this month, combined. I took one look at that box and shoved it farther under my bed. 5 months of work wasted. I guess I should've been working on economics projects that whole time instead.

I hate admitting the fact that I'm probably the only one who remembers. Or maybe that it's that I'm the only one who doesn't want to forget. Note to self- make self more memorable I guess. Another note to self- make self mean something, to someone.

Luckily the time in which I'm writing this is the only 15 minute increment of time I will be alone today. Came home to wash out a cut from the beach, and I'll be back to the party the minute I close my laptop and find my keys. At least I have this week; to still be busy, to still be surrounded by people. Everything's okay as long as I'm surrounded by distractions and chaos. Talk to me after the 23rd and things will be different.

Two kids went down to the beach...

2008-05-16T09:41:00.000-07:00

and by nightfall it became three, and soon four.

Last night was an amazing first day of summer. I can't even say how much it was needed. To let go of 4 years together. To finally hear something that was left unsaid for that entire length of time. To enjoy the simplicity of a toast to the new and a goodbye to what we're leaving behind. Oh yeah, and we may have burned about 200 pounds of now unneeded papers and books.

Prom: [Rendezvous at the Zoo] May 10, 2008

2008-05-14T22:54:00.000-07:00

Everything is falling apart and I really need it to stop.

2008-05-12T22:03:00.000-07:00

This has honestly been one of the worst days of my life.

Keep trying to pick up pieces, but they're just getting smaller.

And everything is being amplified by the fact that I don't have my best friend to call at 2 a.m. or to be there when I need someone to look out for me. There are enough people in this world who will do anything for you when the sun is shining, but somehow disappear at the first forecast of rain. Best friends are a bit harder to come by.

In any event, I guess I'll put up prom pictures when I check more off the other lists.

Living off of java monsters & tacos.

2008-05-11T23:13:00.000-07:00

I'm not exactly sure how I am still awake after yet another 40+ hour day. All I know is that sleep is not an option until I get all this stuff done.

I'm surrounded by books, paperwork, binders, envelopes, lists, kleenex, high-lighters, powerpoint presentations & cough drop wrappers. My checklist of "must do's" is getting longer, and while the one of "want to's" is too, the only thing I really want is a hug.

7:15 a.m.

2008-05-11T07:23:00.001-07:00

just got home.

not quite sure how today will go, what with me getting absolutely no sleep whatsoever.

might be entertaining.

Prom tonight

2008-05-10T11:29:00.000-07:00

Getting ready, getting pretty.

Such a day long event... so much to do.

Only a few more hours before we amazingly beautiful girls all go and meet up with our boys.

Trying to get myself a little more excited about everything.

They'll see us, they'll all smile, they'll call us gorgeous... It's a nice tradition I suppose.

I just always thought it would be you looking at me like that.

I've always wanted it to be you.

Of radio contests.

2008-05-09T23:39:00.000-07:00

I have always been cursed by numbers.

Perhaps that explains how out of the times I've called for the X-Fest ticket giveaway (be caller 9, every 91 minutes), I have been caller number 2 once...and caller number 7 twice.

Oddly, it does nothing to discourage me. It only pushes me further. Meaning I really do have alarms set for every 91 minutes. It's a thing. It's a determination thing.

I think people underestimate my competitiveness when it comes to winning contests of ridiculous odds.

Type A [yeah, sometimes we make lists]

2008-05-08T23:12:00.000-07:00

Eat... check

Cry... check

Sleep... almost there.

All is full of lasts.

Last high school presentation today. The next time I present something, I will actually be nervous about it again. Last time pulling all the lunch tables together to celebrate a friend's birthday. Last time staying at school at all hours of the day to finish projects in film. Last this, last that. Ah, goodness.... sentimentality... never thought I'd find myself here.

3 more days of high school. I show up Monday through Wednesday of next week, and that's it. It's over. It's over and it went too fast. I don't want to move on. I only want to go back. And I detest the impossibility of that desire.

Heavy heart. Heavy eyelids.

I'm not even going to bother finishing this post.

The 48 hour day.

2008-05-08T02:45:00.000-07:00

My body's running on overwhelmed emotions, 4 cups of coffee from 7-11, a handful of stale cheerios, every song Coldplay has ever produced, a little of the Clash too (yeah, the contrast there didn't lose it's irony 7 hours ago either), & some pain medication.

I need to eat.

I need to cry.

I need to sleep.

Distractions

2008-05-06T21:46:00.000-07:00

5 days of high school left.

Presentations, dissections, tests, diagrams, packets, essays. Have I bothered starting?

Of course not.

Instead I've spent my time learning to play Kooks' songs on the guitar, running in the rain [and also consequently spinning my car out], mastering the art of office chair jousting in the Senior lot, staying up until 3 am, consuming Monster Java's at an alarming rate, & being really ridiculously excited about Saturday.

Haaaaa.

Prom (or it's basic equivalent) is going to be held at one of those fancy shmancy restaurants at the Zoo. And my dress has an excellent circumference. In fact, I do believe I can fit the entire enclosure of flamingoes under it. Huh...

Is it morally wrong to knowingly hide animals under your dress with knowledge that when you set them free your date might have a heart attack?

Or let me put it this way...

If it is wrong, how much do I really want to be right?

2008-05-05T22:19:00.000-07:00

:-]

sometimes life gives us the most beautiful little surprises

& today really was an amazing day

it's just that i can't get it out of my head,

because when i'm so happy, the only person i feel like telling it all to...

i guess i really can't anymore.

silence is killing me. i miss my best friend, my everything.

nothing fills the hole that's left behind.

all i ever wanted to be was a fire escape bolted to that ancient brick.

for you.

a broken heart is a gift.

2008-05-03T20:41:00.000-07:00

they teach us how to rebuild and where to start. they show us our real character, not by the way in which we break, but the ways we get back on our feet.

they open opportunities for new people to come in and put band-aids on the cracks. they inspire us with sadness- give us chances in turn to inspire others when we're at our lowest. they show us a map and let us memorize rock bottom, so maybe we'll remember to smile when our hearts are whole again.

they take everything away from us. leave us empty and searching for peace. they are the most important ingredient in drawing close to God.

we never know that God is all we need until a broken heart opens our eyes to the fact that God is all we've got.

conformity: i never thought it would come to this

2008-05-01T21:54:00.000-07:00

you're proving yourself to be more and more

like every

other

one

with each and every passing day.

the longest shadows ever cast

2008-04-29T23:49:00.000-07:00

I drove up to the mountains last night.

just to stare down at the city lights and think. about life. about love. about plans. about everything God's taking out of my hands.

I thought about all the places I've been, and all the places I'll go. I thought about the mistakes I've made, and all the ones I've yet to learn from. I thought about the hurt, the anger, the confusion the last 5 months have been. 5 months of praying and fighting for everything. I thought about how hard it was to wait. I thought about how even after everything's gone, I'm still waiting. Waiting for a conversation that is apparently of no value to anyone but me.

And for the first time in my entire life, I was mad at God. Angry that all the loyalty and trust and love I had to give were thrown away. Angry that all I feel at all now is used.

And in a split second, I realized the hypocrisy of a broken heart's complaints. We do the same thing to Him. Over and over again we throw Him away. Over and over again He tries to win us back and tries to show us something worth fighting for, and we abandon Him.

It was the longest drive home.

i strain my eyes and try, to tell the difference between shooting stars and satellites

2008-04-26T20:11:00.000-07:00

when i can't stand it, i run.

i leave the pavement with everything i want off my back. i leave my frustrations, my shortcomings, my arguments, my tears, my insecurities, my confusion.

probably why tonight i can't even feel my legs.

more boxes checked off.

i'm nearing so many ends & so many beginnings.

of death cab & saturdays.

2008-04-26T10:01:00.000-07:00

just a pretty, pretty song.

Squeaky swings and tall grass
The longest shadows ever cast
The water's warm and children swim
And we frolicked about in our summer skin

I don't recall a single care
Just greenery and humid air
Then Labor day came and went
And we shed what was left of our summer skin

On the night you left I came over
And we peeled the freckles from our shoulders
Our brand new coats so flushed and pink
And I knew your heart I couldn't win
Cause the season's change was a conduit
And we'd left our love in our summer skin

2008-04-23T15:57:00.000-07:00

nothing even seems real to me anymore.

I believe they call it the Lauren Paradox

2008-04-17T21:44:00.000-07:00

How is it possible to feel accomplished, successful, strong, even fulfilled and yet on a parallel plane to feel stuck, purposeless, and empty?

I ran through the streets I grew up in today. Waves of nausea mixed with nostalgia. I saw the places I skipped, the places I danced about with flowers in my hair. I ran across the same sidewalks I used to avoid cracks on, the same sidewalks I rode my bike down. The raspberry bush I tumbled head-over-bike in. I heard the bees I always tried to be so quiet around, because they were always sleeping in the afternoon. I passed the fire hydrant I used to hug and the feelings came back. What was it like before it all fell apart? What would it be like to be naive again, to pretend that life is going to turn out like you always thought it would?

Attempts to trust God only get harder when He sits you down and shows you that He is intent on taking the last of everything that meant anything to you. Waking up each morning is beginning to feel a lot like drowning. There is no amount of distractions great enough, no day busy enough, no person funny enough, no run long enough to make me forget an ounce of this pain. I'm growing weary of this race towards uncertainty. I'm growing tired of seeing a stopping point in the distance, and chasing it like the end of a six-shaded beam of light.

The horizon's looking grim

2008-04-15T00:19:00.000-07:00

So much to say and yet

not a single word comes to mind.

I could really use a friend.

Happy Birthday Nicholas!!!

2008-04-11T23:03:00.000-07:00

I love you.
:-]

Be constructive with your blues he said.

2008-04-10T16:53:00.000-07:00

And she asked how.

Someone define "enough". Apparently I missed it.

2008-04-09T17:54:00.000-07:00

By all means, someone else tell me that I'm not good enough today. Someone else tell me that I'm not doing enough for them, that I don't care about them. Someone else tell me that I'm not sacrificing enough. Anyone, please, feel free to berate me and tell me that I am insensitive, selfish, stupid, naive, thoughtless, irresponsible, and an altogether lousy human being.

I am so done with today.

I'm done with not being good enough.

I'm done with trying to be sweet to jerks.

I'm done with trying my best and having the tiniest details hurled in my face.

I'm done trying to explain what's going on in my heart and life in return for hostility, defensiveness, and apathy.

I'm done with sacrificing my time, my emotions, my sanity, my heart, for people who either walk all over me, or show no interest in anything I am or anything I do.

I am done.

Can't sleep.

2008-04-09T03:25:00.000-07:00

Another night.

Ick.

breakable.

2008-04-08T19:15:00.000-07:00

Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts?

Just a cage of rib bones and some other various parts.

So it's fairly simple to cut right through the mess,

And to stop the muscle that makes us confess.

And we are so fragile,

And our cracking bones make noise,

And we are just,

Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.

[ingrid michaelson]

pretty song.

2008-04-08T06:06:00.000-07:00

Going to sleep at night and waking up in the morning are still proving to be the most difficult parts of the day. Every day, a little bit rougher. School is a distraction for the most part, thank goodness... And all the lovely people there are the friendly support I need, but I can't stay at school all day.

You know, it's funny, but I can always tell when the depression is hitting because I'll find myself spending more and more time at school. Same was true in 3rd grade, and the same is true now.

I know someday it will start getting easier. But unfortunately, that is not anytime in the near future.

Last Spirit Week of High School

2008-04-07T18:48:00.000-07:00

[last week's adventures]

20/20 Hindsight

2008-04-06T19:10:00.000-07:00

It sucks and it hurts

I'm not gonna lie.

thirteen, i underestimated you.

Exhaustion from first to last.

2008-04-04T23:29:00.000-07:00

Another last today... My last high school pep rally.

Everything goes so fast...

We had a senior picnic today too. And snow cones. And a dunk tank. And other things... (hehehehe)

I'm very happy that the weekend is here though. Oh and the last drama production of 2008. Amazing. Hilarious. And then hanging around school late at night and making new friends and being weird and just not caring about anything. Summer is so close. Thank goodness.

My last Sadie's is tomorrow afternoon. Finally seeing the handsome Nick after quite some time. Hopefully all will go well and fun will be had. Yay for baseball games.

Anyhow, I'm exhausted, as noted above, and kind of done with the internet, so I'm gone.

I know I never posted a New York thing but stuff is just never ending right now. Life life life.

Ta for tonight kids.

Of weariness and jigsaw puzzles.

2008-04-03T19:32:00.000-07:00

It's an interesting thing really that we sit down and put puzzles together. We piece together little pictures of kittens, or landscaped imperfections, maybe even old castles and dragons. We search for corner pieces to have a foundation to build off of. We organize piles of similar pieces, and carefully keep any from hitting the ground. We lean hunched over tables in dim lighting, in faith that the puzzle will soon resemble the picture on the box.

God, however, has a different strategy in the way of building effective puzzles. He likes to take the box, glance inside, whisper a few words, and then turn it over on the floor. He likes to start with middle pieces, and build the edges later. He likes to wait for the pieces to be willing to be a whole before He takes His time putting everything back together again.

By all means, take that metaphor as it is implied.

There's no way to bounce back from rock bottom unless you actually hit the bottom.

You can't just hover over the bottom and expect to be skyrocketed back to happiness and a time when you can trust anything or anyone again.

Similarly, there's no way to be put together before you take apart all the pieces you shoved together wrong like a frustrated child who closes his eyes and prays that when they open the misfits will magically fit. There's no way to finish the puzzle until you un-hunch your shoulders and accept some help.

Sometimes that leaves us with no choice but to take apart the last few pieces we quietly hoped would get us started on the rest of the puzzle. Sometimes we have to close our eyes and accept that rock bottom is a few inches away. Sometimes we just have to have faith that we will bounce back.

138 days.

2008-04-01T21:19:00.000-07:00

Sky diving?

Hmmm.

I just may have to.

*giggles to self*

I didn't make it.

2008-03-31T17:49:00.001-07:00

Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.

I'm so upset.

ouch.

In this world, we are all only amateurs.

2008-03-30T22:21:00.000-07:00

With all pain will someday come wisdom.